photo found here
i feel like as i've gotten older, i've gotten more anxious about things. maybe because i have more and more things to care about? who knows. anyway, i have had a couple of claustrophobia panic attacks in the past couple of years, one of the attacks happening when i couldn't move my legs with the epidural and they had to rush me into emergency c-section (this was the second time they gave me the epidural drugs. the first time i was just fine).
anyway, claustrophobia isn't the only time i get panicky and overwhelmed and let the anxiety take over. i dropped my sewing class at college because i just got waaay too overwhelmed and anxious when my creation was not perfect. i stopped playing my piano because i would get too anxious performing. if i'm not practicing, i can't perform...right?
the point is, i'm sick of letting anxiety rule my life. i know i'm a high-strung person a lot of the time. when i told my sister-in-law that i had a panic attack while in labor, she said that she and her husband expected that...it would be out of the ordinary for me not to panic. and it's true. i don't want to be that person anymore though.
so, one step at a time, i'm going to try to let things roll off my shoulders more. i've been playing my piano more lately. way more than i have in a long time. i LOVE playing. i shouldn't let anxiety stop me from playing my music! how sad would that be?? i have to be ok with not being perfect at things. just let loose, have fun, and laugh at myself.
i will not let anxiety rule my life anymore. i know it's going to take baby steps, and sometimes i will fail. but that's ok. progression doesn't stop when you fall. it only stops if you refuse to get back up.
5 comments:
It's funny, I've never thought of you as a super anxious person. Congrats on making changes though, and I'm glad to hear you're playing the piano again!
I didn't know you were an anxious person... you always seemed so carefree to me. :)
I don't understand your "emergency" csection? Epidurals make it so you can't move your lower body... did you just freak out and that was the "emergency"? Unfortunately, I had an "emergency" csection as well, but after research and finding a VBAC friendly OB it turns out my csection was completely unnecessary and only benefited to doctor for HER convenience. Unfortunately, csections can complicate future pregnancies, effect fertility, and doctors can decide when your done having kids... just because you had one doesn't mean you automatically have to have another.... I know you're not thinking about #2 or anything, but if you're interested, I'd love to point out some vbac websites that can be of great benefit to you when you become pregnant again.
Sorry for the information overload... I just didn't realize you had a csection until this post... I'm VERY passionate about helping my friends who fall victim to a poor maternity healthcare system. It's ridiculous that nearly half of all births result in csections... most of which doctors insist are "emergency". It's also ridiculous that despite how much money goes into maternity care in the US, our outcomes are among the worst in world.
If you ever feel like watching a movie, watch "The business of being born"... here a link to the trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DgLf8hHMgo
SORRY FOR MY RANT!!! :(
Ignore my typos and poor sentence structure in my massive comment ;)
Also- if you're having anxiety over your role as a mother, talk to your Doc. My sister went on medication for a little while until her hormones leveled out. Having a baby toys with your head... especially if you aren't getting sleep, which NO new mother is.
i had no idea you had a c-section! which means you've had a tough recovery, i'm sorry! i would have never guessed these things of you--but good luck on your new goals, you can totally do it!
Because I remember that my friends still update their blogs all at the same time, you should take some advice (it's not really advice, but compliment/criticism) I just read from Alexa's mother: http://gnataxela.blogspot.com/2008/07/mom-you-know-whats-great-about-you-you.html
Also, you still aren't panicking as much as Rebekah, so you don't have to panic about being panicky....yet! I'm not helping, am I...
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